There’s a particular moment that many high-performing, high-accountability people will recognize.

You’ve done the prep. Built all the things. Ran and re-ran the math. Anticipated resistance. Delivered it clean with receipts, backed by data-driven evidence.

Then someone enters, with all emotion but no specifics – and you become the one smoothing it over.

What’s happening isn’t just a breakdown in communication, it’s a very human pattern.

Ego-preserving Distortion

Ego-preserving distortion is a made-up term, but it is rooted in real common cognitive distortions like personalization and catastrophizing (disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist, I just love reading).

Our thoughts and beliefs have the power to shape our reality, but what happens when these thoughts become warped and distorted?

Source: Self-serving bias and distorted thinking – tomorrow.bio

Let’s break it down:

1. The distortion: “I’m confused” is used not as a genuine request for clarity, but as a method of narrative control.
2. The transfer: You, the lead, become the caretaker of their confusion.
3. The trap: When we hold boundaries, especially in rooms affected by emotional volatility, we risk being misread as cold. And when we soothe too much, we risk emotional labour that quietly burns us out.

If you’ve just let out a big sigh, yep, you’ve seen it too.

Of course, sometimes confusion is real. Sometimes people are overwhelmed, and it doesn’t always show up cleanly. However, is it always your responsibility to clean it up?

What I’ve had to learn (and unlearn)

I love efficiency, and I optimize fast. However, I’ve also had to learn that efficiency isn’t always enough. Especially in situations where the loudest emotion wins.

In the past, I would’ve over-explained, maybe even apologized, went over the documentation line-by-line, and re-anchored the whole decision tree to soothe the confused.

It was utterly exhausting.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my mentors/coaches:

• Redirect to paper trail of prior context. (“This originated on X date, here’s the timestamp and/or link.”)
• Point to the source material or evidence/conversation trail – link it.
• Invite specific feedback.

I don’t always catch it in the moment. Sometimes I still fight the urgent desire to soften the edge for others, but I’ve learned new skills, and that’s completely changed the game.

That’s how we become the adult in the room – without becoming the janitor.

So here’s what I know now.

Emotional volatility is not strategy. Systems don’t scale on feelings, they scale on clarity.

Tokugawa Ieyasu unified a fractured nation not by being like everyone else and reflecting the chaos around him, instead, he became the counterweight, the stabilizing force to it.

The ones who steady the room will shape what survives it.